How do Couples Close the Exits that Drain & Pain the Relationship?

Is the Grass Greener on the Other Side?
Why are Caring Couples having Affairs?
An affair could be described as a catastrophic exit in a relationship, and has some of the same painful, depressing and discouraging impacts in a committed, close relationship as death, divorce, addictions and abuse. It can also be a crisis that give the opportunity for deeper understanding and intimacy depending on what you do with this way of exiting from the one you initially loved.
One definition of an Exit is “any behaviour that acts out a feeling, rather than expressing it verbally.” An Exit is an unfortunate way of trying to solve problems in a relationship. An Exit drains energy from the relationship which in turn contributes to further disconnection and perpetuation of the Power Struggle.
In his book, Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. describes this substitute need gratification as being like a hungry cow stretching its neck over a fence to munch on green grass. Partners look elsewhere for gratification. This way of trying to solve relationship issues inevitably fails, and can lead to misery, affairs, and/or divorce.
There are many conscious and unconscious reasons partners avoid each other, seldom spending quality, private time together. However, continuing to practice these behaviours ultimately drains so much energy from their relationship, that, like a balloon with a tiny leak in it, the relationship will eventually go completely flat! In our society “flat relationships” usually lead to divorce. So, closing Exits is crucial to ending the Power Struggle and creating a vital and passionate relationship.
There are some problems with closing Exits, however. One problem is that, with good intention, you may attempt to close an Exit too rapidly, simply by stopping the behaviour. This seldom works, because the root of the problem has not been addressed. Usually another Exit opens in its place, often equally or even more detrimental.
It is only with validation and empathy that partners feel safe enough to begin to close Exits. Partners only use Exits when feeling unsafe, unloved or even self-hatred.
If you nag, criticize, or complain about your Partner’s ways of exiting the relationship, it is most likely the exit will only open wider. This way of responding to Partner’s vulnerability only reinforces the Power Struggle. Your response may even be your way of Exiting the relationship when you experience the relationship pain.
Exits probably worked well for you as children, helping you to emotionally survive childhood challenges and disconnects; however, now they are compromising your deeper needs for safety, connection, and intimacy.
I’d like to encourage you to become a source of Love and Safety for your partner by responding to their revelations with Active Listening and Mirroring. If you would like to know more about how to communicate in this way please book a Couples Counselling session, and click on the button below about the Imago Dialogue. This recommended communication process deepens yours and your partner’s vulnerability and empathy thereby creating feelings of safety, trust, and respect.
As both of you work toward creating a more Conscious Relationship and provide your partner with increased safety and love, each partner’s Exits will gradually close.
Source: Information adapted from Chapter 7, “Closing Your Exits”, Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples” by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.