Don’t be a Sponge.

I was speaking with a young boy of 9 years old today. Let’s call him Richard, and let’s call his sister Chloe. Chloe was bombarding Richard with wounding words. She was deeply upset because her aunt promised to take her to get her nails done, but had cancelled.

Richard was fighting back tears as Chloe told him she hated him, that he was a nerd, and a waste of time in the world.

This was not the first time Chloe had been let down by this particular aunt who had a very busy job as a midwife. I empathised with Chloe saying, ‘I am sorry you feel so sad and let down’, and then added, ‘but it is not ok to treat your brother like an emotional punch bag’. Chloe chuckled a little amused at the description.

I turned to Richard and asked him why he was not putting up his invisible shield to protect himself from Chloe’s words. I explained sometimes when people are really hurting inside, they take it out on someone they love who they know will always be around and not leave. ‘Maybe there can be a gift in this exchange today’?

‘No ways!’ Richard replied, ‘I hate Chloe too’.

I persisted, ‘There may be many times in life when people are unhappy or hurting and they may treat you in a way you don’t deserve. Let’s use the metaphor of a sponge. Say your colour is true blue, this colour makes you stand out as uniquely you. Let’s say Chloe is bright green. If Chloe flings her words and feelings at you, like bright green paint, and you absorb them, you start to become bluey-green. Then along comes Joey who is dull orange, upset that he has been dropped from the football team, so he calls you a loser (because that is actually how he is feeling about himself) Instead of putting up your shield, you soak up all the dull orange paint too. Now what colour are you?’

Richard cringes, ‘An awful muddy colour’.

He asks, ‘But how do I put up a shield?’

My answer is a question.

‘Do you know that we are all created with mirroring neurons in our brains? They are there to reflect back to others who they are and how they are acting. So your shield is like a mirror. Hold up the mirror and let them see what colour they are. In that way they can see they are sad and cross, they remain their true colour, and so do you.’

Chloe, intrigued wonders, ‘How does that help?’

‘Possibly’, if you know you are sad and angry you take responsibility for your own feelings and don’t dump them on Richard. You are also more clear about what the problem is that is causing those feelings and you can find a solution, for example ask someone else to take you to get your nails done.’

‘And for me’, Richard exudes, ‘I stay true blue and I’m protected from the barrage of other people’s feelings getting me down.

‘Exactly!’

If you or your child need to learn how to put up their shield because they are getting bullied, let’s chat. Please send me a text on WhatsApp to +44 7456 184 700